Caution- readers should take note that Punchaat (talking ill of someone else) is detested in all religions. The only reason the Laudium Sun publishes the Punchaat column is to reflect one of the realities of our society, which is Punchaat, Punchaat and more Punchaat. People need to respect each other’s privacy, be it that of family members or friends. Let us as a society stop the Punchaat so that we the Laudium Sun, need no longer reflect this scourge.
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In order to avoid innocent parties being mistakenly identified, the Laudium Sun has, where necessary and appropriate, replaced names or other identifiers in this column with symbols like Mr? or Mrs X or XXX.
Every religion stresses the importance of honouring parents, more so in their old age, but sadly in today’s times talking about kids disobeying this commandment is an understatement, as they are openly mocking it. It is unfortunate that we are currently hearing of so many incidents in our community where elderly parents who had sacrificed their entire lives toiling to educate and bring up their kids, are now being discarded by these very same children who refuse to take care of their aged parents, instead viewing them as a burden. I have the added embarrassment of having to turn to this column to disclose this matter as it is occurring in my very own family.
I am a 45 year old female now living in EEE Security Estate, but was born, grew up, married and lived almost my entire life in nearby LLL. I come from a large extended family consisting of my Dad, his 3 brothers and their two sisters. My parent’s home was always known as the ‘big’ house as my paternal grandparents lived with us.
My dad’s brothers all lived close by and the entire extended family came regularly over to our home for Friday lunches, for the two Eids and other special occasions. The love and unity we found among families in days past, is enviable but as time went by and the elders passed on, our family became more distant and many of our family members moved out of LLL to the security estates, with some even moving out of town.
Although I tried to maintain a close relationship with my cousins, whom I had always considered as siblings, we somehow lost touch with each other once we started getting married and having our own little families. My greatest sorrow in life was the loss of my parents, firstly my dad, whom we lost to a sudden heart attack when I was in my mid 30s and then a few years later my mother who succumbed to cancer.
I would give anything to have a few extra moments with them, but my broken heart has learnt to accept the fact that life and death is all in the hands of the Almighty. I really envy those children who have the blessings of both their parents with them and who are lucky enough to watch them reach their golden years.
The arduous Covid-19 pandemic of the past two years took a heavy death toll on many of the elderly in our community. We unfortunately lost my late dad’s last living brother to this horrid virus. This particular uncle of mine and his wife lived alone in LLL, whereas their two married sons ZZZ and RRR also live in the EEE estate with their respective families. My uncle who had retired a few years back had sold his retail business and divided the proceeds therefrom between his two sons who were each involved in their own professions. When my uncle passed away at the beginning of the coronavirus pandemic in June 2020, ZZZ the eldest of his two sons decided that his elderly mother could not live on her own and thus brought her to his home to live with him.
The house in LLL which was left on my aunt’s name after my uncle passed away, was sold by ZZZ who claimed to put the profit of the house into a ‘trust’ account for his mum. We all felt very relieved that my aunt would not be alone and that she would receive the love, care and attention of her son and grandchildren. Sadly, this notion was short lived when we came to find out that ZZZ did not bring his mother to live in the main house with him and his family, but had instead placed her in an outbuilding on his property which had previously been used as servant’s quarters. ZZZ reasoned to us that his mother who was used to being the Queen of her own home would be more comfortable in her own space and that furthermore it was to avoid any ‘kitchen’ conflicts between his mother and wife. ZZZ whom we knew was a henpecked husband yielded to every whim and fancy of his snobbish wife MMM. MMM hails from a very wealthy family from Durban and from the time she married my cousin, she purposely made no effort to fit in with our family. Instead she looked down upon us and openly expressed disdain towards her ‘middle class’ in-laws. I for one had no doubt that MMM had coerced her husband into relocating my aunt to the outhouse. However, nobody in the family interfered with these new living arrangements as my aunty who was clearly afraid of causing any problems between her son and daughter-in-law, vehemently insisted that it was she who had initiated the idea of living separately.
Once COVID restrictions were partially lifted and sit down restaurants were reopened we would often see ZZZ and his family dining out on weekends. His mum however was never with them and upon my enquiring ZZZ would always make some lame excuse that his mother refused to join them as she was too afraid to go out to crowded places due to her fear of the pandemic. I found this very strange especially since my aunt had attended a few family weddings which took place during the course of last year. Furthermore, she also attended a few funerals in the community where there were clearly more than 100 people present.
Nevertheless my aunty always insisted that she was very happy living on ZZZ’s property. It was evident that MMM didn’t welcome her mother-in-law’s presence, judging from the indifferent, cold attitude she publicly displayed towards my aunt. As for ZZZ’s younger brother RRR, he spent most of his time hanging out with his friends under the guise of doing community work which he claimed to be very much involved with and barely gave his mother a second thought. He hardly ever called my aunt to enquire about her health and his visits to his mum were limited to the occasional once in six weeks drop by.
I agree that every family has issues, but there are limits to how low a person can stoop to when it comes to ill treating family members especially one’s own parents. What ZZZ did this past December holiday in this regard, is totally reprehensible. ZZZ and his wife had a massive argument since MMM insisted on going for a holiday to Cape Town over the Christmas and New Year period, but she blatantly refused to take my aunt with. ZZZ was unable to ask his brother RRR to take care of my aunty as RRR as usual was planning to go away with his friends for the holidays. ZZZ did not know how to tell his mother that his wife refused to take her with them on holiday so he resorted to underhandedly scheming with his wife to dispose of his mother for a few days. Well aware that his mother had a high blood pressure problem and was diabetic (which was currently under control), ZZZ enlisted the help of his close friend SSS, a well known doctor in the community to come and do a general checkup for my aunt and to then deceptively convince his mum that her blood pressure was too high and that she required medical intervention. SSS ‘adviced’ ZZZ in front of his mother that it would be best to admit my aunt into hospital to run further tests as she was “hypertensive and diabetic.”
Despite my aunt’s insistence that she felt fine, ZZZ and Dr SSS admitted her to UUU hospital for 8 days. During this time SSS checked in on my aunt regularly and informed her that due to the rising number of cases of the Corona Omnicron variant, that no visitors would be allowed onto the hospital premises, including ZZZ. My aunt who is old and none the wiser trusted SSS blindly.
In the meantime ZZZ and his family went away to Cape Town on their holiday all the while phoning my aunt regularly and pretending to his mother that he was worriedly sitting at home and praying for her speedy recovery. On their return from the holiday, my aunt was conveniently discharged, with ZZZ fetching her from the hospital and she happily returned home clueless about how her dear son had maliciously fooled her.
Nobody in our family suspected any foul play since SSS who had admitted my aunt into hospital is regarded as a highly respectable doctor in the community. I am certain that people would be shocked and disgusted to know that he was party to such
treachery.
But sooner or later the truth always comes out. MMM’s very close friend FFF recently faced a dilemma of not knowing where to leave her mother-in-law whilst she accompanied her husband on a business trip to Dubai, so MMM confided in her to contact Dr SSS to admit her mum in-law into hospital.
MMM assured her friend that SSS could be trusted and that he had helped at least two other families besides herself in similar situations. FFF readily agreed and together with her hubby and SSS they executed their plan. It just so happened that FFF’s husband upon his return from his business trip slipped up and let the cat out of the bag to my husband, during a round of golf as he mistakenly assumed that my hubby was aware of ZZZ’s deception towards my aunt. As soon as my husband returned home and informed me we marched off to confront ZZZ at his home. FFF had already warned MMM that her foolish husband had spilled the beans so MMM who was expecting us, confronted us at the front door all guns ablaze while the coward ZZZ meekly stood behind his wife.
Before we could get a word in edgewise, MMM without even inviting us inside, aggressively screamed at us, warning us to stay the hell out of their business and to stop poking our noses where it did not belong. Seeing that the tension was very high and that ZZZ and MMM were in no way willing to talk decently to us, my husband took my arm to lead me back to the car. However, I insisted that I first wanted to greet my aunt before leaving, which ZZZ allowed me to, despite his wife’s protestations. My hubby waited in the car and I quickly walked over to the outbuilding where my aunt lived. I noticed that she looked very tired and frail and she informed me that there was nothing to panic about as this was part of the ageing process.
She went on to tell me that she was thankful to the Almighty for granting her a long, fulfilling life and that she was not afraid of death as she longed to join her husband. While reminiscing about my uncle, her eyes suddenly lit up as she changed the topic while she held my hand and told me that she felt like the luckiest mother on earth to have such a caring son like ZZZ whom she was sure would give his life up for her. Shocked and disturbed, I tearfully nodded my head in agreement so as not to break her heart and ruin her joyful misconception. I left her home with a heavy heart wondering how cruel could one’s own offspring honestly be. Our religion and I am sure most religions, teach us that paradise lies under the feet of our mothers and that the keys to the gates of paradise are in our father’s hands. It is a pity that a son would sell his Hereafter for this temporary worldly life. What children seem to forget is that one day they too will age and learning from a parent’s example, their own children who witnessed the treatment of their grandparents, will also discard their parents.
As for SSS, I have lost all respect for him as a doctor and more so as a human being. I sincerely pray that by reading this article children who are guilty of neglecting their parents will mend their ways immediately, while they still have their parents with them before it is too late and they are left with only their sweet memories. Remember, by leaving your parents, especially one parent to live all alone and visiting them once in a while, as if you are doing them a favour, is totally wrong. Also, by keeping your elderly parents or one parent with you, you are not doing them a favour.
Give them the full status a parent deserves in terms of your religion, not dumping them in some back quarters of your house or using them as baby sitters for your kids or making them do household chores. It is you who should be thankful to be given a chance to take care of your parents not the other way around.
I can now understand why so many parents prefer to rather stay on their own, even those who are now single, as they can sense that their children (or their spouses) do not really want to take care of them and instead treat them as a burden. Parents do not want to come in between their sons and their wives, thus they rather stay alone, even if they cannot manage with daily chores. Clearly it is an indictment on the kids when a single or both parents, decide to stay on their own, despite being unable to take care of themselves.
Disappointed cousin
