Upbringing and a value system is important when choosing a partner
I am not sure how many women are going through similar problems as mine, but I am writing to your famous “Punchaat Column” with the hope that some women, even if it’s just one woman, will learn from my experience and never repeat the mistake I made in my life.
I got married at the fairly young age of 23 about 14 years ago. My parents weren’t happy with the partner I chose, but I insisted and still went ahead and got married. At that time I was very naïve, I just wanted out and married the first guy who came my way, because my family wanted me to get married to a distant relative, who literally had nothing going for him, was from the old school way of thinking and was dependant on his father for money, as he was in his father’s business. I felt like I couldn’t marry him as I would have lived a life being a slave to his household, as they were a lot of siblings at that time and he was the eldest. So the responsibilities of looking after him, his parents and his younger sisters (who were not married at that time) would have fallen on me. Since I finished schooling, my parents were insisting that I marry the relative and we often had arguments when I bluntly told them that I would not. Anyway, at Tuks, I met AAA, who was studying Bcom Accounting. We clicked as friends soon thereafter and our relationship was purely platonic. Although he came from a wealthy family in LLL, was good looking and lived a lavish lifestyle, I did not see him at the time as my type for marriage. But, being a girl, it was convenient to have a guy around at varsity, even just as a friend. So later when my parents again tried pushing me to get married to our relative, I accepted the sudden and surprising proposal of marriage from AAA, despite not knowing much about him or his family, other than what he told me; that he prayed regularly and came from a wealthy, but broken home. My mother, especially, was very upset, and told me that I was messing up my life, by refusing a proposal from a good family boy who was known to them and instead wanting to marry someone who was not of the same caste as us, and who came from a broken home as his parents were divorced, with his mother being in her second marriage and his father in his third marriage. She told me that no amount of education or money could equal a good and respectable upbringing and that family values and bonds were important. She told me that I would be fortunate to marry the relative, as she and my dad knew the sound family history and his upbringing values. She also told me that staying with in-laws during the first few years after marriage, was important for a wife, as it strengthened family values and builds a bond between them, which I one day would want my kids to also practice. I remember she told me, “if your kids grow up in an environment where extended family support is given to them from grandparents and others, they in turn would also want to live with you, and not leave you alone at the time you need their company the most”. Of course she added that if the relationship between a wife and her in-laws was not just working out, then she should rather live separately with her husband, but every effort should be made to first let the relationship work out. She added that many young girls wrongly believe that by not staying with in-laws it was freedom, and that the married woman would rather spend more time with her parents, instead of her in-laws. My mother warned me to never to make that mistake, as firstly from an Islamic point of view, ones in-laws were equal to ones own parents and secondly, children most often practice what they see their parents do, which would result in my son then allowing his wife to ignore me as a mother-in-law one day and give more time to her mother. I respectfully told my mum that I did not believe that married couples should stay with parents, be it the husband’s or wife’s parents and added that her thinking was that of the ‘old days’.
Fast forward, the relationship with my husband AAA, went very well in the first two years of marriage, although it was no fairy tale. I rarely went to his parent’s home nor did he often visit my parent’s home, as we both decided to live our lives as a married couple without involvement of our families and we pledged to rather be each other’s closest friends. We learned to love and respect each other a lot (or so it seemed that way). But after about two years, slowly but surely his behaviour with me started to change. AAA became controlling, started abusing me physically and mentally to the point where I started losing faith in myself. I used to be very confident about myself, but slowly I started losing that too. About three years into our marriage, I fell pregnant and Almighty blessed us with a beautiful baby girl. I was hoping that the erratic behaviour of AAA would change, seeing that he was now a father and more so a father of a girl. But unfortunately it got worse. He started getting jealous on small issues, even when I attended to my baby’s needs. I was not allowed to go for shopping without calling him every half hour and explain where I was. Even if I was busy praying or bathing, he would throw tantrums if I did not answer his calls.
Although we had some really good times, taking me and later our baby and I, often on holiday and outings, provided for us to live comfortably (as he did not want me to work), AAA was very abusive and when it came to apologies, it was always I that had to apologise, because he maintained that it was me that had driven him to say or do ugly things. AAA, who believed that he was one of the very few that practiced Islam properly (including dress codes) often used religion against me, by saying that a wife should always be obedient to her husband and not back chat. Conveniently he never mentioned the importance of a wife being treated fairly in Islam by her husband, and whenever I would raise it, he would become violent and warned me not to show disrespect towards him.
As time went on, I started realising that AAA had a bipolar disorder. He would become violent and even hit me and then without taking any responsibilities of his actions and at least apologising, he would start crying, blaming his upbringing, saying that although his father supported him financially, he was never really there for him to guide him and spend time with him, after divorcing his mother. He would often also say that his mother could not give him and his siblings the motherly attention they deserved, as his step father was very possessive over his mother, hence he was sent away to an Islamic school away from home. This is when my mom’s words started to haunt me, as she stressed about the importance of a good upbringing, when I told her that I was going to marry AAA.
After about seven years of a hell of a marriage and going through a tough time, I was at the lowest I had ever been in my life. My health started deteriorating, with me losing a lot of weight (yes, I know many women would want to lose weight, but trust me having stress is worse). I so much wanted to talk to my mother, my father and younger sisters, but I could not, as I had chosen to ignore them and cut them off from my life when I got married. I even thought of calling his parents, to tell them of our problems, but I could not, as they had their own problems and were either way not on good terms with their son AAA or me.
My relationship with AAA came to an almost halt, about ten years into our marriage, when AAA started chatting with women on Facebook. He would spend almost the whole night on the phone and even look at nude photos of women. Whenever I confronted him about it, he would threaten to beat me up. This continued for about two years, when I finally got the courage to tell him that I was leaving him. Again, he started crying and pleaded with me to give him another chance and blamed his parents for neglecting him during his upbringing. He used our daughter as a scapegoat, by saying that he did not want her to be raised by parents who were divorced, as it would harm her psychologically, the way it did to him when his parents were divorced. I fell for his lies and his tricks and trusted him once more. Around the same time my mom had passed away and it was a very traumatic period of my life. I so much regretted not bonding with her after my marriage and kept on regretting not taking her advice. The only regret I did not have was the beautiful daughter I was blessed with. About six months later and eleven years into our marriage, with about nine years of living in an abusive relationship, I fell pregnant again. This time we had a baby boy. AAA was so excited and vowed never to disrespect me again or lift a hand on me. A few months later after giving birth, AAA was again on FB chatting with women.
When our son turned a year old last February, I decided to leave AAA. However, I wanted to first get my “ducks in order.” It was difficult as I had no family support and no friends, as I was isolated from the world on the instruction of my husband. I started looking for a flat to move into. Thankfully I had some money invested which my parents gave me when I got married, (despite not to a person of their choice). I calculated that I would be able to sustain myself and the two kids for at least a year, after which I would have to look for a job. So in March I found a neat flat, small but it was okay. I could however only move in on the 1st of April as another tenant was still occupying it until month end. But then came the big shock for the whole country, South Africa went into a full scale lockdown due to Covid, and even moving into new premises was restricted. I was forced to postpone my plans to move out and even had to halt divorce proceedings against AAA.
Since then, we have been more at loggerheads with each other and I refused to sleep in the same room with him. So I have been sleeping with the kids and there has been no real communication between us. He stopped providing for my personal needs and stopped even talking to or playing with the kids. The first few months of the lockdown, during level 5 and 4, it was very difficult for me, as I was forced to be in the same house as AAA, all the time 24 hours/ 7 days a week, and tolerate his abusive behaviour. It had really affected my mental and physical health too. Although AAA was working from home, he often went out in the evenings despite lock down rules. From around September last year, AAA stayed out even longer. Finally it came to a point where he would come back home in the mornings. Not once did I ask him where he was or why he had come home so late, as we were living our own lives, although I suspected that he was having an affair. We had nothing in common other than our kids. During October, when AAA found out that I was planning to move out with the kids, he tried to convince me to change my mind. But this time his tears did not help. I was ready to move out end October. But then fate had another plan for me. A few days before month end, AAA got ill and was confirmed positive for Covid. For compassionate reasons and for the sake of my children, I decided not to move out. With so many deaths taking place due to Covid, I did not want my children to say to me one day that I took them away from their father, whilst he was critically ill. The first week of November he was rushed to hospital due to breathing problems and had been in hospital for about a month on a ventilator. It was the scariest month for me and my older daughter. We had no one to talk to for advice, or ask to pray for AAA, or even check on him through one of our local doctors, as we were not allowed to visit him in the hospital. My dad has since passed away and I regret not seeing him during the lockdown. I feel so alone, as there is no one I can really talk to. My siblings are all married and have their own lives to lead. The hard lesson I learnt, is what my mother told me the day I announced that I was marrying AAA. I keep on remembering how she begged me to marry into a home where the boy had a good upbringing and the family had good value systems. I remember each day her words telling me how important it was to have families and bond with in-laws. she kept on telling me that there was barakah (blessings) to live with family. Yes, living on your own with your spouse and kids may give you freedom, but it does not give you happiness, especially during your early years of marriage, she repeatedly told me. Family values and extended support system for our children is also so important. Unfortunately the days of children being brought up in a home where grandparents also live, is nowadays a thing of the past. In fact it is also fast becoming a norm that kids do not stay with both parents, but instead share days between them. How unfortunate. I have since moved out and busy with divorce proceedings. Although I have not restricted visitations to AAA, he does not visit the kids nor has he asked to take them on weekends or other days. Life is so lonely when you don’t have extended family support.
Lonely mother.
